The First Rule of Kiddy Fight Club Is...

So Em comes home with her handlebars out of skew from a fall she took peddling away from a confrontation.

"Goober* threw his skateboard at me," she said.

Yeah? Why'd he do that?

"Me and Yorkshire** were just talking, and he started swinging his skateboard and saying, 'back! back!' and then the threw the skateboard."

Did it hit you?

"It landed at my feet. Then Yorkshire started to throw my backpack and I told her to put it down. Then I rode home, and I was holding my notebook in one hand because I didn't have time to put it back in the backpack, and I fell."

So after the artist formerly known as Frau Lobster picked the girls up, I went up the street and found Goober. It was astonishingly easy, despite my never having met him. I just asked a group of boys, 'Is one of you Goober?' and before Goober could tell the other three to shut up, they had pointed him out.

"Goober, we need to find your parents and have a little talk about throwing skateboards."

"I didn't throw my skateboard," Goober said.

"I don't believe you," I said, to his evident astonishment. He really seemed to think I might say, "Oh, sorry for the mix up" and leave.

I went on, "I can't see why my daughter would make up a story like that about I kid I never heard of."

"Who's you're daughter?"

How many skateboards does this punk throw?

I told him her name, and he said, "She threw her backpack right at my head."

I asked which house his parents were in, and he pointed down the street.

"Well, come on," I said. "I want to meet your folks."

He walked one way, then japed, then stopped to tie his shoe.

Then he grabbed a skateboard and ran like hell.

I walked after him, not hurrying, just watching. He rode the offending board some, ran some, and went into a house as if maybe he'd put enough distance between us that I wouldn't see which one.

So I knocked on the door and Goober's Mom came out and asked what was up, and I told her. We had a little chat about consequences, and I found her an utterly agreeable parent. She didn't seem to have any trouble picturing her kid throwing his skateboard, and affirmed that there were consequences for this in their house.

Meanwhile, she mentioned that her kid's side had included Em throwing her backpack. I'd understand her doing it in retaliation, but I understand George Bush invading Iraq: it doesn't make it okay.

Em insists she didn't, and she's been cross examined by both parents. Hopefully we're not suckers for believing her. If she didn't wilt so easily in confrontations, or if she was displaying the usual transparent thespianisms that accompany her lies, it might be different.

*Of course his name isn't Goober. His name has been changed to more aptly identify him.

**No, also not her real name, but she is named for a place in England.