The Un-Test Drive

I went to some dealerships today, shopping for a car.

When I say dealerships, I mean those shady horse trader lots. Proper dealerships won't trade in the sort of horse I'm shopping for. There's a very good salesman at a local Toyota dealership, a woman who has patiently answered every question I've ever come up with for several years, and not shown one sign of being aggravated that I've been back on a semiannual basis without buying a single car. I'd buy a Toyota just to give her a commission, she's so free of car salesman bullshit.

But she sells that other kind of car, the new kind. Even the used ones at that dealership, try finding one under $10,000. If you're shopping for less than half of that...well, Shannon would probably give you her card and wish you luck. I think she's actually done that two or three times in my case.

Someday, Shannon, I'll be a man of substance, and I'll come buy that xB I've had a hard on for since they were concept cars, or that Sienna that is the most awesome minivan ever made, or that Corolla S that's more car than an Accord or Camry used to be. Someday, you'll make your $300 commission, and it will only have cost you a year of your life.

So I went to those lots I never go to. I got to thinking, and on several levels it makes sense. These are cars bought at auction. None of them are new, none are going to have any sort of warranty. But these lots deal in financing as much as they deal in cars, and if you're loaning to the dregs of the FICO system on a car, do you want to sell him a car you'll have to repo when he quits making payments on the car that quit running?

I know how these dealers work, and repos don't freak them out. They'll loan to a guy they've repo'd before, but they get the auction price as a down payment. Which isn't to say they're happy to repossess. So if I'm not going to sit in the finance office, am I any worse off at these lots?

For that matter the big dealerships make all their profit in the finance office. Any new car dealer you want to pick, if he gives an honest answer, he'd rather never see a cash customer. A person who comes in with a cashier's check for the full amount, those people could ruin him if they weren't freaks these days.

At one lot, I told the guy that I wanted an Accord, with a stick and a 4 cylinder engine. This is the best combo of passenger room, fuel economy and reliability a Lobster can hope to find. Bonus points for an Accord wagon.

He promptly led me to the only 5-speed Accord he had. He listens, not bad for a guy who walked right off the set of Deliverance.

It was a bit older than I had in mind, but it was cheap. $1950, according to the window. Some body damage on the fender, but I'm thinking, I'll trade body damage for mechanical soundness. Maybe not this car, but it's a thought.

He got the key and the car wouldn't start.

This guy was low rent, but I have to say I liked him. He lacked Shannon's professionalism and polish, but trying to sell a car that won't start didn't bother him a bit. If he had what I wanted on his lot, he was going to deliver it.

He went and got a battery charger. He explained that he didn't think the door got closed all the way. Well, he explained it this way: 'We leave the doors unlocked because it keeps them from breaking the window glass to steal the stereo.'

It's okay to steal the stereo as long as they don't break the window? I ask. 'No, but would your rather replace the stereo and the window?'

The battery charger wouldn't make this car start. The other half of this crack sales force, who I think was Father of Hayseed, he says he's going to 'get one that works' while the son explains that the price would include a new battery.

I did explain that the nightmare of driving on the interstate in rush hour with no air conditioning was the thing that finally pushed me into buying a car. Roll up the windows, pass out from the heat. Roll them down, and it's louder than Green Day run through a wood chipper.

So the old man finally gets this heap started, and the guy starts telling me I can take it for a spin. He doesn't ask for my license, he doesn't go get a dealer tag, he's just ready for me to stand on it.

I sit there a minute talking while the engine idles. It sounds pretty good, a lot like the Accord I last owned. Come to think of it, it's not much newer than the last Accord I owned...four cars ago. Ahem.

I check the controls to make sure it's on AC. It's blowing hot air.

'That price would include charging that air conditioner back up,' the guy said.

Moving on....