Gregor Samsa's DMO

I took Mo to the dentist this morning. Well, then again...

The artist formerly known as Frau Lobster booked the appointment, having first asked if they were on our insurance. Turns out, sort of. They take our insurance when it's a PPO, but not when it's a DMO.

I was unaware there was such a thing as a DMO, let alone that I had one. And like with an HMO, there's a primary office you have to pick before you can go anywhere. So I called, waiting on hold for a few weeks and finally talked to someone who helped me pick the primary and all that.

So I call to set up appointments for the three of us and was told that because I'm not on the roster, they can't take the appointment at this time. Apparently, the insurance company sends out a list of covered people every month, and I won't hit the list until May.

So can't you set up a May appointment? By then the roster will include me.

Nope, nothing doing. Because what if I'm not on the list? They have a contractual obligation to service those on the roster, and somehow booking me the next available slot on the calender jeopardizes that.

What if I was a cash customer? Well then, that's no problem.

And what if we booked me as a cash customer in May and I show up on the roster, you can just run the insurance and we're good to go? Either way, teeth are cleaned, you are paid.

But what if you don't turn out to be on the roster? I was asked.

Well, what if I booked as a cash customer in the first place and turned out to be a flake who doesn't show up? Or turned out not to have the means to pay for the services on the day of?

I was told this was a matter of corporate policy when nobody could explain why I couldn't just book the appointment. The second person I talked to informed me that a fax from the insurance company could pave the way for an appointment, and that this wasn't always true. Accepting faxes, I was told, was 'huge.'

Don't congratulate yourself on this 'huge' breakthrough, I told her. I have to call the insurance company again and wait on hold a long time again to get a fax sent so I can call you back make an appointment I absolutely should be able to make without the stupid fax. If the appointment comes and I'm not on the roster or ready with cash, don't clean my teeth. People are uncertain instruments, deal with it.

I did what they asked, wasted yet more of my life on hold and finally got the verification faxed, got the prized appointments, in April even. But I can't understand why some people, especially when they organize into entities like corporations and governments, feel this compulsion to make shit more complicated than it has to be.

And just so you know, this bullshit was generated by a five dentist practice. If you think there's any wisdom to 'single payer' national healthcare, just think what a team of civil service assheads could do with this scenario. For real, been to the Post Office lately?