My Newest Business Plan

The bank turned me down, and I can't figure it. What could be more American than Liquor, Guns & Ammo? It's not like I included prostitutes in my proposal (since I don't need any financing to attract them, I thought it superfluous). I got a great location scouted, too, right between some low rent apartments, a riverboat casino, and a pawn shop. You gotta figure there's a demand.

And that annoying waiting period thing? I figured out a way around it: the law requires a five day wait before purchase, but if I let the customer 'demo' the unit for five days pending credit approval... Because let's face it, you might still be pissed in five days, but the guy you're pissed at has probably figured that out, and no matter how much fun he's had with your wife, girlfriend, daughter, etc., he's gone by the time five days is up. Be realistic. The Second Amendment doesn't say anything about getting the gun slow. The only time frame that comes to mind right off is the right to a speedy trial for shooting someone who just might have had it coming.

I thinkt he big problem is this: Second Amendment fetishists forget that those guns are supposed to protect the other parts of the Bill of Rights. If the NRA focused on cases where someone used a handgun to defend the free speech rights of a New York Times reporter (presumably by rescuing her from captivity and shooting her kidnappers), maybe the Times wouldn't be so fucking hostile to gun owners.

The booze part: I don't know about you, but if I was going to kill someone, I'd need a drink. Maybe before, maybe after, probably both. The Olympic Sized Swimming Pool Martini. Dry up and dirty, please.

And to cop a George Carlin riff, Iraq is supposed to be coming up with a constitution while pretending it's not a colony the way Japan and Germany pretend not to be U.S. protectorates. Just give Iraq our Constitution. It's still good but we're not using it.