Clean and Odor Free?

I'm not the kind of guy who typically badmouths coworkers. I really get along with pretty much anyone, and I tend not to have strong feelings one way or another about the other inhabitants of the cubicle farm.

For around five years I've had the same cellmate. He never talks to me. He got divorced, moved, and took up with a new girlfriend, and the first I knew of it was when he put a picture up in his cubicle of him with his new girlfriend. He didn't tell me who she was, I heard it through the grapevine.

Since he ignores me so thoroughly (though I also hear he routinely bitches about me to people he does talk to), I'm generally unaware of his presence. I honestly don't know when he comes and goes. There are ghosts with more presence in my workday.

My boss has kept me seated by him because everyone else who's sat in that cubicle has fought with him. Since I don't fight with him, it's probably a smart move on my boss' part.

The latest complaint, made twice in one week, is that I smell bad. Complaints made to my boss so he had the uncomfortable task of mentioning it to me. I've been a supervisor, so I can dig the line he's got to walk. Ignore a real problem, and you're not doing your job, confront a fake one, and you're not doing your job.

I admit that when I drop ass, it's violent. I try not to do it there at my desk, and even got a special cushion to absorb the worst of any accidental fumes. But that's not what this guy is bitching about. He's saying it might be my feet or something, but it's definitely a hygiene issue.

A few months ago, I worried about this. I break out in rashes if I don't use hypoallergenic deodorant, and I have to drive a ways to get the stuff I can use. I was out for a week or two, and as the day wore on, I know I had some serious pit smell. But I'm still working my way through a stockpile I bought after that drought (literally bought every stick in the store).

For the record, I shower on a daily basis, as is customary in America. When I'm working out regularly, or the lawn needs cutting, it might extend to twice in a day. I've missed one here and there in my life, but not by choice, and not recently.

Generally, if I complain about a coworker, it's because they're not doing their job. They're either fucking off or incompetent or coming to work stoned. But this guy is an asshole. There's just no way around it. I've attempted to break the ice, both at work and on the rare occasions I've run into him outside work. But since he apparently wants no social intercourse with me, I've respected that and given him space.

I'd still fight Tom Cruise, I don't hate this guy at work. But when someone goes this far in honing his joylessness, I'm tempted to forego showers for a week or two. Maybe start chewing garlic-flavored gum and going out of my way to direct farts in his direction.

I guess sitting next to me is this guy's personal Fear Factor episode.

But I don't think I'll stink on purpose. It'd just make the case he's invented in his mind real. Maybe I'll send him a singing telegram. That, and maybe make an extra effort to empty the chamber pots, ashtrays, and spittoons under my desk. Might even quit using sardine oil as a hair styling product.