UnHarmoniousDotCom

Okay, I haven't done much in the way of dating since the divorce. I've had a couple of dates that went nowhere, but really, I've been about as close to not dating at all as I can get without falling in.

I tried Yahoo's personals about this time last year, when I was trying to line up a date for Hayseed Dixie. I was so confident that it would be easy to get a date that I bought two tickets for the show. I gave the second away at the door.

In three months on Yahoo, I met practically no one, and wasn't really better off for having met who I did. I had a couple of dates with a woman who was absolutely gorgeous, loved guns, was into Ren Fest, seemed to like my then hippie-ish hair, etc. And she could talk the paint off the walls about like me, too. But, she had a problem with honesty. Such as listing herself as a non-smoker 'because I hardly ever smoke.' This after the second time she left me in the coffeehouse to bum a smoke because she'd forgotten hers.

Add to this her tendency to flirt openly and gratuitously with other men (I think she was trying to make me jealous, though there wasn't yet a relationship to base jealousy on), and to talk about her friend-with-benefits who was coming in for the weekend, and to practically boast about being impossible to live with for all the men in her life, including her father, her roommate (who, to hear her tell it, had a problem with boundaries), etc.

The crazy part about that deal was it wasn't until she stood me up for what would have been the third date that I pulled the plug entirely. I wasn't sold on her, but she was a dream walking and I had been out of circulation for basically my entire adult life. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, though in hindsight I was probably way too thrilled to be hanging with a 5'11" redhead with the body of a lingerie model. Still, not being an adolescent anymore, there are places I can't let my gonads take me.

She was, for the record, the class of who I met through Yahoo. The second was a woman I never actually met in person. We talked on the phone a few times, and if I've talked to a more depressed person in my entire life, I can't remember when. It's not that she had nothing to complain about: she was the mother of a one-year-old by a guy who wasn't paying support because he wasn't employed. But if there's such a thing as negative chemistry, we had it. I know I'm not the funniest man on earth, but when your jokes meet with sighs that sound like despair...

Again, it took me way too long to figure out that this was nobody I needed to call again. At the end of our conversations, she'd ask me to call again. This surprised me, because I was pretty sure she could barely stand to talk to me. We talked three or four times on the phone, but the last time I called her she asked me to call her back after American Idol.

Yeah, that's what I said.

The third contact I made through Yahoo was actually a Nigerian scam, not even a real woman, so as I say, the aforementioned drama queen was the best of a sorry lot.

I let a few months go by. I even met the occasional woman at random. One gave me her number after my coffee mug glued to the roof of my car got us talking, but it came to nothing.

So I tried eHarmony.com last fall. A coworker recommended it, a woman I'd gladly cut a toe off to date if she wasn't already pregnant by her boyfriend, who she met through eHarmony.

The evidence I have would suggest that if you're a bookish chick who could easily model for Suicide Girls and looking for an Egyptian dude with a great income to have martinis and babies with, eHarmony might just work. If you're me, it's not happening.

I should have gotten the net when I filled out their stupid questionnaire and got a response that said, if you translate Dr. Phil to English, "Forget it, you're going to die alone."

But, the hot chick at work who recommended it told me you had to be patient. I figured if I met even one girl as cool as her, my money was well spent. This is someone I loaned my first edition hardback of Syrup and Apathy to. Not knowing, of course, that I was about to get fired for no good reason. If you're reading this, J-Law, I'd really appreciate getting those books back...

So I gave them my credit card number and ponied up for three months.

I'll give them this: it's different from Yahoo's personals. Instead of trolling about for promising ads and sending messages that never get answered, they match you up with people and send you on 'guided communication.' Which means they send you each bullshit questionnaires, and inevitably the other person breaks things off before they've even seen your profile.

Or, they move in slow motion. One of the first matches the site came up with never replied to anything in less than two weeks. Every time I figured she wasn’t even on eHarmony anymore, I'd get a thing saying she'd answered some questions and it was my turn. I'd answer them, and weeks would go by again.

We were just about to 'open communication' when my three months was up. Nothing about her or their service inspired me to want to try another month.

When a couple of months went by, they sent me a set of matches that were supposedly 'slightly' out of my range as far as my questionnaire. These were women in Canada, California, Arkansas. The closest of these was over 300 miles away. This is not helpful. Better you send me less compatible women in my zip code, or at least a zip code with the same first digit.

In fact, if I thought I had a reason they'd buy, I would have asked for a refund. eHarmony sucks, and it sucks hard.

So then I get an email saying they've charged my fourth month to my credit card.

What the fuck?

Nobody asked me, 'Are you happy with our shitty little service?' Or, 'Do you want to waste another month around here?'

They just did it as if I'd naturally want to be Dr. Philled into poverty.

I sent these assheads an e-mail at their Customer Supposed Service, and they never replied. I put the charge into contest, and Capital One took it off but then sent me a letter requesting I document further. Which means eHarmony did not do what a legitimate business would and quit even asking my credit card for the money when I told them to fuck off.

I don't know what the answer is. I've thought of joining the singles groups at the church I've been going to, but I doubt I'm religous enough for any woman I'd meet in such a group. I'm probably the most regularly churchgoing atheist around. I am truly an atheist with a lack of faith in atheism. And no taste for what the secular world seems to be offering.

Not sure where to try next, but it probably won't be another online service. Maybe I should take pilates like Julie said: I'd be the only dude in the room, and my presence would prove right off that I'm a sensitive dude with NPR presets on his car radio...