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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Elvis, King of Junk Mail

Anonymous Midwest Girl posted a way to get back at spammers that may have some technical drawbacks. One of the feedback responses noted that the post office isn't that game for 72 lb packages with business reply envelopes glued to them.

To my knowledge, business reply permits require that the piece be automation compatible, so some of the things I did way back probably didn't reach their recipients.

Like the condom with a squirt of Lubraderm to make it appear used put in a business reply envelope from a junk mailer.

The envelope of dead flies probably lay flat enough.

Another favorite was to take out anything that might identify you from two or three and send them each other's crap, postage paid by them of course because its a business reply, no postage necessary if mailed in America.

But you can make junk mail FUN. Really. Remember that preacher asshole who wanted you to touch the screen?

I called, claimed I was Elvis Presley, that we had the last name by coincidence and that my Mom was such a fan she'd named me Elvis and it had ruined my life. Said that between the drugs, alcohol and urge to grow a pompadour, life was unbearable. I gave them my work address, promised to donate when I was 'back on my feet.'

My but the mail came. Prayer cloths (which are handy for wiping computer monitors clean), pictures of the freaky preacher, etc. It all came to Elvis Presley, 7950 Wornal Road, KCMO. There is no 7950 anymore (redevelopment through tax increment financing even more bogus than a televangelist), and I think that preacher went to jail. But we sure had fun with Elvis' religious mail. We kept hoping to get a pre-approved credit card in the King's name, but I guess it's probably better we didn't. I'd hate to be in jail for impersonating Elvis.

If I'm going to serve time, I want to be trying to pass as that creepy Burger King guy from the TV commercials.

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