'Child'-proof

Most people about to have a baby go a little berserk with childproofing. They seem to imagine a baby born already walking, talking, and picking locks.

I've got a kid who's not a baby any more, but who is a bit of a challenge when it comes to childproofing? Challenge? No, that's not the word.

Or if it is the right word, then the only other things even remotely challenging are the North Face of Everest and finding credible evidence of Big Foot.

The last plumber I had out, I told him he'd need to snake the cleanout all the way to the street on account of toys. He didn't believe me. He got his monkey wrench on the access cap with the expectation of toilet paper and shit. What came out, instead, was pencils, gizmos from Happy Meals and Whacky Packs, doll heads, the cap to an aerosol can, etc.

I can't tell you how many times the hall toilet has been pulled. I should get a bulk discount on wax rings.

So tonight, I plunge to sweating on both the toilet and the sink in the hall bathroom, and no sooner than I get that done and the toilet in the second bathroom is stopped up and flooding the bathroom. I locked the hall bath to let the potent disinfectants I'd dowsed everything with evaporate without poisoning my kids, and now I can't find the key to it. And no amount of plunger work seems to do for the bathroom I can get into.

I'm sure I'd get a stellar rate if I called a plumber out at 10:30 on a Saturday night to figure this out. And for all I know, it's another collection of toys in the pile.

But this comes back to the whole issue of 'child'-proofing anything. I have a plan on how I can offset the expenses incurred in fixing the damage done by the child who disproves even the theory of child-proofing.

For a fee, say $200 (average plumber's fee for a snake job), I'll bring my kiddo to your house. I'll turn her lose and video tape what happens. Your $200 will get you an actual idea of what a kid 'can' do if they decide to experiment. I am not responsible for damages: if you thought something was out of reach, tough shit. If it can be climbed to, it is not out of reach. If you thought something was nailed down, fuck off. If it can be pried loose, it is not nailed down. If you thought something was locked away, locks only keep 'honest' adults out of anything at all.

If you can get to it, a kid can get to it. I have the kid to prove it. For a fee.

I see no reason to take this show on the road without making a profit off it, so don't ask for freebies.