Somnambublogging

I invented a word! Good on me, eh?

Okay, first I had to invent the definition. Wrong word, I didn't invent the definition, I personified it. I told Frau Lobster to read my blog the other morning and she asked me what I'd blogged about.

"I have no idea," I said. "But I really meant it."

I had somnambublogged!



Have you ever blogged in your sleep? Maybe this is a symptom that can be worked into a set of warning sings for a new 12-step program. And your fourth step, that personal inventory part, your blog IS your fourth step. What an awesome shortcut! Ah, I can picture the meeting...

In the overheated basement room of a church or civic center, a group of people with unusually pale skin sit in a circle. Some have wrist braces on, and scars from carpal tunnel syndrome surgeries. Others have impossibly thick eyeglasses and cataracts from prolonged exposure to cathode ray tubes and plasma displays. No one as colorful as Bob with his bitch tits as portrayed by Meatloaf, but you can tell these people aren't healthy.

Obesity is the norm in this room, and isn't helped by the Krispy Kremes brought in for those who haven't relapsed into chain-smoking as a substitution for their blogging habit.

And the best part, your blogoholism isn't your fault. It's a disease. There's pamphlets, literature about the disorder geared towards the afflicted and their loved ones.

"Hi," I'll say. "I'm Chixulub, and I'm a Blogoholic."

"Hi, Chix!" the group will respond in unison.

"I guess it all started when I decided to have my own domain," I'll say. "No, that's not quite true. I swore I wouldn't get high speed internet access, and I...DID!" [Chixulub breaks down sobbing. The group leader tells everyone they need to support Chix for having the courage to admit his blogging problem.]

And what will be the signs that you're a blogoholic?

If you answer yes to five or more of the following questions...

• Have you ever refused to have sex with your spouse/lover/date because you had to blog?


• Have you ever had four color process cards printed up to leave in unusual places in hopes of getting a hit on your web site or blog?


• Do you know what an RSS feed is?


• Is the number of hits your site or blog receives the primary basis for your self esteem?


• When you witness a tragedy, accident or unlikely event, do you immediately start thinking how you'll blog it?


• Faced with the choice of paying your ISP bill or having the water shut off, do you start showering at a friend's house?


• Do you think of the 'blogosphere' as an actual place?


• Did your spouse/lover/date leave you without your noticing it for days because you were busy blogging?


• Ever missed work to blog or due to a late night of blogging?


• Have you lost jobs for blogging when you were supposed to be working?


• Are you still reading this list?


• Imagining people who don't blog, do you picture Amish horsecarts?


• Have you ever somnambublogged?

I won't say how many of these I say yes to. And sometimes you have to embrace your addictions. Unless you're refusing sex, because that's messed up.