Eat, Drink and Be Merry...For Tomorrow We May Diet!

I’m fat. Not phat, fat. Well, maybe I’m both. If you think I’m a swell Lobster, I guess I’m a phat fat guy with abundant hair. Or sometimes I’m the phat fat guy with a shaved head (wonder what all this ‘phat fat’ will do for my keyword hits...)

‘Beer Belly Blues’ by Tim Wilson about sums it up for me. It’s more than beer I’m wearing, but I do own the only XXXL Cult Hoodie ever made (thanks, Mirkah!), and I’m sure plenty of people have had fun at my expanse when I’m not around. Or if they know me well enough, they’ll say it to my face.



So in the land of the 2,000 calorie salad, how do you lose weight? Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Deal-A-Meal? Atkins anyone? It doesn’t matter, because the Diet Industrial Complex makes a bigger profit if you fail. Think they don't know it?

When Sumo wrestlers diet for weight gain, they binge and purge to shame Marlon Brando. By eating very little for a few days, they crash their metabolism and their bodies start thinking, ‘famine, survival.’ Then they go and eat the Japanese equivalent of the Sizzler buffet. Their body converts all those excess calories to fat.

If you’re American you’ve dieted. Don’t even try to deny it.
You do so good for what, four days, five? Then you eat a large Pepperoni Lovers pizza. You figure you’re good more than not, so why aren’t the pounds coming off?

Because you’re on the Sumo Wrestler’s Training Table!



Of course the programs work if you really follow them. Even that stupid Subway diet works if you don’t cave and eat four Super-sized McDonald’s Fries ‘just this once.’ So there’s skinny people they can run on TV commercials to prove that Slim Fast (or whatever) works.

Yeah, I know, exercise is key. I cut a lot of weight when I was spending four hours a night at the YMCA. I never saw my family for those eight months, but I was the trimmest I’ve been since high school.

The Shrine of Skinny

How do they con people into torturing themselves and sacrificing their health in the quest for Skinny?

A big chunk of the world's population is still dealing with how to get enough calories to stay alive, never mind whether it's meat or bread. We're hard-wired to put on fat in times of plenty, genetically. Those naturally skinny people who can't seem to gain weight no matter how much they eat and how little they exercise? How long do you think they'd survive in a real famine?

So here we are, the survivors of all those famine cycles in a country where a guy living out of his car has a TV that plugs into his cigarette lighter so he doesn’t have to miss ‘American Idol.’ What do we want? We want to be skinny. Really skinny.

They only ended ‘Friends’ because in another couple of seasons Courtney Cox could have hidden behind Mary-Kate Olsen. The skinny fetish is almost as alarming as where Hollywood seems to be putting the fat liposuctioned off Anna Nicole Smith. She lost that weight alright. But someone found it, and instead of making soap out of it, they injected it into Angelina Jolie’s lips. Are women supposed to be a rack made out of coat-hangers to dangle breast implants, bee-stung collagen lips, and hip-and-butt-padded panties?

Can you imagine the mess if Angelina's lips popped? It'd be like the fat-wrestling scene that got written out when 'Fight Club' was adapted for screen.
If guys are honest, a lot more body shapes than you find in the Victoria’s Secret catalog are hot. Playboy knows this, it’s why they mix up the body shapes they showcase. The Suicide Girls know this, they have even more variety in their pack, and it’s more interesting. And even Playboy and SG has an element of phoniness. I’ve personally almost wrecked my car to get another glimpse of a woman who would be thrown out by one for being too fat and the other for being too mundane.

Wait, Chixulub a voice for moderation? The end times!