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Friday, May 27, 2016

Bespoke: A Review

I didn't ride Critical Mass tonight but I did hand out spoke cards and take pictures. I don't always make Mass but I think me and Mo stopped in by car for the Christmas night one, I think maybe I missed November last year. Other than that I think I've made them all.

Since January I've also been faithful, even more faithful really, about making spoke cards to commemorate the ride. And a couple beyond that. January was Milk & Cheese (dairy products gone bad) themed. Then February was a kind of Hail Hydra thing.

They're not always brilliant, okay? But they are always well received. I've flush laminated a few and they hold up better than I expected (the edge lets water in, an issue if you're a bike commuter who gets caught riding in the rain regularly).

But classically spoke cards are black & white copies on Astrobright construction paper laminated on a kitchen table with contact paper. And my cards are generally full color, two sided, with 5 mil laminate. Because I'm a graphic designer in an awesome print shop, and because that's how I roll.

It's not all fun and games, either. Critical Mass regular and all round great guy Anthony Saluto was killed violently by a motorist who crossed two lanes into the wrong direction of a four lane street in early April. It's the end of May and there's still ben no release of a name, no charges, for all we know the motherfucker who hit Anthony and then drove into a light pole hard enough to shatter it (a block later) is still driving around. Jean Peters Baker's office (Jackson County Prosecutor), they don't seem inspired by the case at all, and when I called a few weeks after it happened I was told the police hadn't sent the case over, were probably waiting on toxicology. Which makes me wonder if it's the mayor's son or something, because when a cop gets shot, they have capital murder charges filed the next day, and apparently when a cyclist is murdered, everyone is supposed to sit on their hands for a couple of months and think this is normal and acceptable.

Oh but back to the fun and games (malfeasance and corruption is really a whole other post), I was struggling with a theme for this month's spoke card. Then my friend Luke asked me if I was going to do a David Dye spoke card since he's absconding from Kansas City and going to Seattle. Well, don't mind if I do!

David loves his Hamm's beer, I think because the Hamm's bear was his father (look at the pictures, the familial resemblance is impossible to deny). And a friend of a friend was able to provide me with a picture of him guzzling a Hamm's at a Holi (which, according to my research, which David says is bullshit, is a no alcoholic event). And since he's going to Seattle, he must be going to bring back grunge, spread the Starbucks gospel (after three years of working for a Starbucks ex-pat), etc. I'm sure I missed plenty of Seattle based jokes and chances to make fun of the guy, but I'm pretty happy with the result.

As I have the past few months I made the back of my Critical Mass spoke card a promotion for the Post Modern Pentathlon, an event I still need to iron out some specifics on, but it will be in midtown, it will involve riding a bike unknown to you (a B-Cycle), shooting (paintball, darts, disc golf), probably a toaster thrown for distance, bonus points for track-standing a B-Cycle. It will be fun.

Like I say, not all the spoke cards I've come up with in this fecund period are Critical Mass cards. Witness 'Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! Everyone knows the burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground. Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl anyway?' (a sort of tribute to the Dead Milkmen).

Or my General Strike one from this evening. I swear, if my demands aren't met by the end of Monday, I'll make everyone stay out of work again on Tuesday. I will bring this nation to its knees if that's what it takes!

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